In a startling move, the community of Canyon Country, on the east side of the Santa Clarita Valley received approval from the Los Angeles County Board of Supervisors to split off from both the City of Santa Clarita and Los Angeles County. The new entity has been named Canyon Country County.
“The three ‘C’s’ are catchy,” beamed the selected head of the new county, Bob Kellar. “Sweet Lord, you should have seen the other choices. None of them would stand the cancel culture test in today’s environment.”
After representatives from the Tataviam Indian Tribe and several of the valleys other progressive community groups threatened to erect a wall around Canyon Country County in protest against the top two other choices for a name, Kellar and other Canyon Country County officials took the safe choice.
The Santa Clarita City council has placed the discussion of a wall adjacent to Canyon Country County on next week’s agenda.
“We’re unhappy with the secession,” lamented Santa Clarita mayor Bill Miranda. “We’re going to lose the sales tax revenue from many of their top commercial outlets including, ‘The 99 Cents Only Store’.”
Other top retail outlets include Ace Lawnmower Repair and Simon’s Hot Dog Stand. “The loss could be considerable,” reflected Miranda.
California State Senator Scott Wilk was not as pessimistic. “The boundaries for my district haven’t changed, so what’s the big deal? Vanessa and I only venture into Canyon Country when we need a new valve for our lawnmower so a wall between the counties would be a minor inconvenience.”
Los Angeles County Supervisor Kathryn Barger disagrees with the Senator. “Not only do they have the best lawn mower repair shop in Southern California, Canyon Country is a great place to store your recreational vehicle. Los Angeles County will also miss the revenues from the Goodwill store.”
The new counties population is 71,559 ranking it number 40 of California’s 58 counties.
“Federal funding hasn’t kicked in yet,” shared United States Congressman Mike Garcia. “Their elementary school district hasn’t determined yet if they’ll include Dr. Seuss books in their reading curriculum. Their decision will have a major impact on their funding, per the Biden administration. I’m also distressed there’s talk of a Sambos Restaurant opening in place of the old Cocos. Cocos used to be former mayor Bob Kellar’s favorite hang-out. The turnover could become quite a predicament for Bob.”
College of the Canyon’s Chancellor Dianne Van Hook is now boasting she oversees campuses in two counties. “We’ve already scheduled our first “State of the County” fundraising lunch on our Canyon Country County campus. We’re also contemplating holding two Silver Spur award dinners in 2022. That will allow me to do twice as many speeches.”
Newly elected Santa Clarita City Councilmember Jason Gibbs groaned over the thought of additional charity get togethers. “Thank goodness for Covid-19. I’ve allowed my tuxedo to gather dust over the past 13 months. Luckily, I have thousands of leftover ‘Elect Jason Gibbs” masks because Kellar has now mandated we wear four masks if we venture into Canyon Country County.”
Former Santa Clarita Mayor and current councilmember, Cameron Smyth was reminded of the only time he ventured into Canyon Country. “I was playing football for Hart High School. We were bussed into Canyon Country to play Canyon High. This was back when it was still okay to proudly call ourselves Indians. Those Cowboys never knew what hit them. Gee, I hope I don’t receive any backlash for my comments.”
Santa Clarita City Councilmember Laurene Weste was relieved over the formation of Canyon Country County. “This takes the pressure off any renovation we had planned. Our focus has been Old Town Newhall. We had been throwing around ideas on how to renovate the northern portion of Sierra Highway. We had been considering building a monorail going up Sierra Highway. The idea was promoted by Santa Clarita City Councilmember, Marsha McLean. Now I don’t have to tell her it’s a dumb idea.”
“It was not a dumb idea,” barked McLean. “The monorail’s prohibitive cost was going to be offset by excessive federal grants. It was my dreamchild after a meeting with former Governor Jerry Brown who inspired me with his high-speed rail vision. We even encouraged building unisex bathrooms at the Vasquez Canyon Road station and having all vegan vending machines to meet the new Biden administration’s Federal compliance.”
Assemblywoman Suzette Valladares saw the secession as an opportunity to rename Soledad Canyon Road. “Just as the street changes its name to Valencia Blvd on the west side of the valley, we get to change its name on the east side. My former opponent suggested calling it Canyon Country County Alley, but I thought the word alley took away from the true flavor of our pioneer history.”
Canyon Country County advocate Ruth Ann Levison wanted to make certain Federal funds are diverted from the I-5 freeway expansion and used to upgrade the 14 Freeway instead. “Up until now Canyon Country was considered the step-child of the valley. Now with having our own county, we’ll have the last laugh with Nordstrom’s opening up right next to the “99 Cent Only” store.”
KHTS owner Carl Goldman lamented, “We live and have raised our kids in Canyon Country for the past 31 years. KHTS radio has its AM transmitter and license in Canyon Country. We love the east side of our valley and enjoy teasing about it. It’s a good thing my wife, Jeri Seratti Goldman didn’t see a draft of this before publication. Otherwise, our April Fool’s joke for 2022 would be delayed yet another year. And thanks to Lisa Lin for assistance with this year’s material.”
Click here to see all our previous April Fool’s stories
Warning, this year’s KHTS April Fool’s joke will appear this Thursday and you are in it. Just letting you know.
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